我象子弹一样.
没有想到这几天就接连不断碰上沾有”不可抗”性质的事件. 在”迷信与科学”这根度量的尺子的一端,很多人自然地这种情况贴上”倒霉”的标签,再迷信些的人会觉得”被某东西缠上了”; 而在尺子的另一端,唯物主义中会坚定地认为一系列不幸事件产生的原因可能是因为当事人太累了连锁反应所致, 或者就是客观条件与主观条件共同作用的结果. 而这两天发生的事件对我来讲,似乎可以理解某地的磁场特别强烈,通过一些小伎俩/手段使得我一定要连着起码两天盘旋该地;相应地,另一些地方磁场顺势减弱,原来要造访的计划不断泡汤.
第一个”高磁”之地是三夫户外用品.因为已把过大的Gore-tex外套转送, 便有需要在周5飞离这座城市前搜得新的外套以便春节出游使用。每天晚上计划都排的满满的,只到前天晚上才有机会造访该店. 粗砂励搬大小的雪冰不断砸在身上,还是打不熄心头的急切盼望. 出了办公室特地打了的紧赶慢赶,成功在8:45到达店门, 离正常关门时间还有15分钟, 铁头将军却已趾高气昂地伫在门上. Damn, 难道因为冬天生意不好就可以随意提早关门?! 惺惺而去，天冷地寒,生气的能量都不够. 取义成仁,昨天晚上继续奋斗, 于7:50 到达该尊贵的店.一番痛苦的挑拣,一无所获,在8:20被顺利从后门赶出.原来人家冬天关门时间提早了一个钟头!谁叫你上次来时是夏天!
第二个”高磁”之地是万能的上海地铁2、4号线+徐家汇星游城地铁出口. 前天从三夫败兴而归，为了均衡打的30元的浪费行为，决定就近到新立起地铁标志的星游城坐地铁。心里不禁对上海市政工程的高效和远见大唱赞歌–几个月前来附近看演唱会时，此建筑并未辟地铁出口。寻到地底车站，发现停靠此站的只有新开的4号线。细细研习了各线路地图，发现4号并不停靠任何熟悉的站点或换乘站。再次腹诽，再次悻悻接受失败的冲刷。出门打的，幽怨明生。 回家再次好好在网上查了地铁换乘图，惊觉原来2号和4号线在中山公园是可以换乘的。（是的，看的是同样一副地图，不知在星游城为何就是楞没发现）昨天晚上再次出发时便意气风发多了，顺利在中山公园站换了4号线。再次步入星游城，同样空旷的空间，同样翘脚于高脚椅上的修鞋匠，同样缺乏有效标识的通道，恍若昨日。
第三个“高磁”之地是久光百货站–还是在2号线上。昨晚从三夫谫羽而归，心有不甘，便决定去交通方便的久光抓几颗思慕已久的专柜糯米糍。路上不断 fantasise那玲珑的外层，丰富的口感，传统及创新的各种口味。到达时才9点出头，心想没有哪种挫败是精致的甜点不能fix的。从来对自己方向感非常自信，但在底层超市走遍东西南北四个角落还是没发现那熟悉的黑色柜面时，我决定放弃我的骄傲向保安叔叔问路。叔叔很专业，完全知道我在讲的是什么，流星大步带我转过面前的角落，黑色的柜面立马象童话里骑白马（黑马in this case）一样＂倏＂地出现在眼前．叔叔不忘加上一句＂可能关了哦＂．．．乐观主义上升，看到柜后明明还有人站着－并且是上次接待我的脸长的很象糯米糍（樱花味？）的日本小妞，直接忽略叔叔的善意提醒，一个箭步冲上去．柜后小妞在利落地收拾着收银机，头也不回地答＂对不起结了帐关门了＂．拉出弱势群体惯用的乞求／可爱／粉丝综合策略，糯米糍小姐豪不受用．盯着柜台里及柜台外展示的各色美点，心里升起股抢劫犯罪的冲动．．．今天查了该店网站，明明是晚上１０点结束营业．决定今天继续努力，并且要讨伐樱花味糯米糍小姐．冲动是魔鬼，２４小时过去了，对糯米糍的向往还是没有任何减弱．．．写完本贴立马出门继续冲击高磁久光．
因为甫踏入所谓真实世界, 为己为人总是需要尽量小心翼翼收起Bridget Jones的各色百宝.但狐狸尾巴不露出来又怎么对的起Bridget的本色?趁还未忘记前截取以下最近经典:
全装下海: 五月,沉湎椰风海影,兴致冲冲出海snorkelling,本人虽不习水性,出门前还是兴高采烈地将刚晾干的BIKINI收起，准备在各路人马海底搏杀时可以鱼目混珠偷偷一边儿晒黑. 历程两小时兼受雨淋,沿路阴霾散尽又来,终于到达Koh Hai,天还是阴的雨还在泼.各路人马兴高采烈,无师自通,披上装备,逐一跃入斐绿的水中.
本人原先小算盘完全被打破–根本没有太阳,视线内没有沙滩,船就在海上停着,避世晒黑一说完全不成立. 同行人马不停在水中召唤,据说下面鱼儿们真的很诱人;大黑船长/教练之一掬了捧碧绿的海水撒到我身上,温暖的盐份即刻蔓延四肢. 经不起撺掇,那…不如也下水吧…黑船长虽然语言不是很通,已经信誓旦旦地用他的’HELLO’+白牙齿微笑+拍胸脯承诺了会让我安然无恙…
聚集勇气,吸了口海盗船长递上的土烟,翻开提袋,发现:没有BIKINI!翻遍百宝少一件! Bridget细胞就在这样的关键时候发功让我成功地没把BIKINI带来,当然想破头还是没法理解将晾干的BIKINI收起后,为什么下一个动作不是将它放入提袋里. 但是,已被点燃的斗志怎可就次熄灭?! 于是穿着T-shirt+mini skirt,外套救生衣,歪歪斜斜地掉下水了.此曰”全装snorkelling第一人”.
溃不成军: 甫从笑颜弥漫的小岛归来,即将慵懒的四肢叠起,为大老板女皇的驾到慌乱准备. 女皇陛下这次只经停3天;相对之前2周打底的架势,对本人脆弱的神经还是比较照顾的. 当然驾到前的全面准备也是不可松懈的,女皇只住本城某酒店的某几层的某个角落的房间,哦,最好还要有折扣;女皇的手机CREDIT必须确认是满的,否则有人就要在奇怪的时刻在烈日下奔走买上10张recharge cards;女皇偶尔喜欢自己在机场打的以显示自己的平民性,但是最好确认酒店的LIMO是STAND BY的;女皇喜欢的餐厅要提前定好，没有窗边的位置万万不可,那个位置最好空调不要过冷，否则倒霉的一定不是女皇本人.
别以为我只是在对the Devil Wears Prada做简单复述,而我连Anne Hathaway的1/10的dedication和sweentess都没有,更别提我的职位根本不是assistant to Her Majesty. (背景音乐: “Suddenly I see, this is what I want to be . blah blah (OR NOT!)”). 女皇终于安全抵达,约好第二天一大早在受女皇荫泽才有的本人栖身小屋见面,引女皇造访新近确认的办公室新址.中间翻箱倒柜手忙脚乱整理寒舍使其不至污染女皇高贵的视线之过程省去N字.
Her Majesty如常高贵地飘入寒舍，虽然步行半小时作为健身仍神采矍铄, 并十分人性化地担忧自己看起来不够glam.寒暄过后带女皇直奔办公室新址,黑色大理石外表极简主义大堂，女皇看起来非常impressed.电梯到达27层, 欣赏走道1分钟后, 晴天霹雳打在本人貌似凌乱却用了10分钟打理的很sharp的新发型上: 没有钥匙,没有钥匙, 没有钥匙,没有钥匙… 故作镇定致电大楼管理处,答曰”只有房东有钥匙”… 霹雳不断地从头顶打到脸上再到四肢，随行领导脸色十分难看,女皇很镇静地发问”现在怎么办”?
怎么半怎么办…’suddenly i see, this is a good day to die’… 在女皇殿下面前建立起来的1小时尊严轰然倒塌, 立即从serious dignified efficient businesswoman漏气成slouchy useless no-key-to-the-office amature… 此曰”无办公室钥匙第一人”. Her Majesty虽然此后表现出了无以伦比的高贵谅解,本人对自己的脑细胞总数却产生了前所未有的质疑.
To be continued…
电话上的56分钟
能说的都倾泄一出
该被知道的都无掩无盖
身上剐下的肉也最终啖到自己的疼
我的解脱
你的幸福
你的小岛
你的大道
走吧走吧…
能说的不说
可做的不做
躲的远远的
回忆追不到
未来寻不着
来年还是一样
他们都说我是好汉
初尝毒药
极乐轻撩而过
懵懂未知毒性
放任剂量逐加
一颗一颗
一滴一颤
一次电击
一次丢弃
毒
却已滩滩渗入血液
饶遍朱红的指尖
不值得苦
却苦入第二十五个小时
苦入伸埋的笑纹
苦入尘埃的漂流
毒
永远是毒
在腑脏内
蜿蜒
 立是开始的意思,立春就是春季的开始。
二十四节气之一。春季开始的节气。每年2月4日或5日太阳到达黄经315度时为立春。《月令七十二候集解》：“正月节，立，建始也……立夏秋冬同。”古代“四立”，指春、夏、秋、冬四季开始，其农业意义为“春种、夏长、秋收、冬藏”。
自秦代以来，我国就一直以立春作为春季的开始。立春是从天文上来划分的，而在自然界、在人们的心目中，春是温暖，鸟语花香；春是生长，耕耘播种。
据《燕京岁时记》中记载：“立春先一日，顺天府官员，在东直门外一里春场迎春。立春日，礼部呈进春山宝座，顺天府呈进春牛图，礼毕回署，引春牛而击之，曰打春。”
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21:15 飞机再次扑落在一片繁华霓虹中
21:40 将行李与残留的软弱一起推出 汇入表情麻木的的士等候队伍
21:45 打通妈妈手机 她说爸很累 已经睡了 她在客厅读我买的杂志
21:59 咽下最后一口感伤 深呼吸 背上手上心里的重量一并甩到的士后座
22:22 70年历史的楼梯一路走到顶 寂寥沿墨青的石扶手徐徐盘绕
落寞的味道在明亮的灯光下淡淡晕开
22:24 家门口 一串几日未用的钥匙顿显陌生 一根根摩挲过去
终于确定了哪根通往第一道门
22:25 与隔壁邻居相通的露台骤尔空荡 他们果真是搬走了
所养的鬼精灵白兔自然也无迹可寻
22:26 将最后一道门关在身后 空气中的味道竟是清朗的 心却仍有戚戚
22:27 钦开屋内的灯 窗外仍旧是后面大楼连夜赶工装修的喧杂
没有准备地走进房间 扑面而来的空气似经过稀释
闻的到的简单成分 吸的进的轻盈
22:30 点上蜡烛 解开行囊 将脏衣服丢入洗衣机 打开电视
顿觉回应N的短信”为何老革命还是软弱”已是多余
原来 就绪并没想象中的难
坚强与懦弱也并非只能得其一
一次次重来 许是因为不放弃感受的权利
PART 1
It’s been 9 months since I last recorded my humble insignificant life on here. Where have I been and what have I been up to? Well, I can’t exactly say much has changed, except for the following :
a) finally farewelling a haven of 3 years;
b)moving to somewhere that is vaguely remembered as the land yearned for when I was young and full of dreams( I mean Y.O.U.N.G.!);
c) turning 24((none the wiser, of course);
d) vocabulary of English gradually diminishing (as you can tell when you read on);
e) inability to stay excited and an unstoppable tendency of yawning once the clock strikes twelve midnight;
f) cutting my hair short -thanks to Ringo, my new hair dresser( I could easily fall in love with him if he wasn’t that metrosexual- so metrosexual that he was able to detect the newly-developed outbreak of acne on my face once summer kicked in);
g) acne, one thing that I had to worry little in my life, managing to creep onto my face throughout summer and showing no sign of withdrawl yet (damn, shall i read it as an alarming sign of ageing and thus disintegration of the body’s self-repaire system?)
(to be continued, gotta go to bed, see what I meant by ageing?)
PART 2 (17/09/06)
Six months have flashed through and here i am, comfortably settled at Citizen Cafe, a hideaway from the city’s signature madness, rowdiness and noise. Even though there is a pressing deadline that drives me, I decided I am taking some time to finish this post up. The lighting is soft and dim inside the cafe, the jazz played is smooth and melancholy, customers have started to withdraw and nothing else in this town quite resembles such a scene, one that used to be easily-attainable and occasionally taken for granted.
It indeed takes more than courage to acknowledge the fact that everything is back to square one. To start with, loneliness has conquered this drifting soul time and again. some might laugh their heads off at this as they picutre me move through fairs, rub shoulders with beautiful people and take on a completely dazzling life. When the over-glorified nights are washed away by the ruthless daylight, only the impotent traffic lights bother to catch a glimpse of the draining soul and exchange a faint smile.
PART 3 (03/10/06)
Caught up with a very endeared friend beofre he flies out of town tomorrow. Maybe it’s going to be a few years when we actually get to meet again. Couldn’t endure any stupid thoughts taking chances and decided to end the latenight catchup very quickly- what was left to say? The past is gone and the flames are out. Wish him all the best.
PART 4 (05/10/06)
I wonder whether I use the word ’settled’ too loosely when it comes to commenting on my latest transit. If I am to be honest, the state I’m in is anything but ’settled’, neither here (home) nor there(my new land). This afternoon, after an aimless stroll around the old town that I grew up in, I decided to take advice from great ancient thinkers who preached ‘I think, therefore I am’. Accompanied by an almost-decent latte and some unstoppable tears fountaining out at certain points, I combed through fragments of mounting anxiety. As I dug deeper into the pile of tiny pieces at the back of my mind, I realised I almost forgot how painful it is to think. No wonder people start to appreciate numbness more than contemplation. The conclusion was positively negative:
I am L.O.S.T. I don’t know where I am. (To the bloody literal-minded ones, please read this metaphorically). Therefore I am not happy.
The five core elements that constitute my happiness or sense of belonging are: family, friends, reliance/heterosexual love, career, peace. For now, I am scoring a f***ing historic low. It seems now appraches to happiness do not always grow in accordance with the increase of one’s travels. I very much regret my once self-important remark to SDS which claimed people at our age had pretty much experienced most feelings existed and what was left was simply repetition. That was complete bollocks - I am very much lost and I wish there was someone I could lean on and borrow some love, care and wisdom from. And I wouldn’t say I had felt it so strongly before!
I am lost at 24 and I reckon I will end up relying on myself to walk out of this sickening fog, as usual. Though it would be more than nice to have someone by my side for a change .
Call this a rite of passage, by all means. I have practically lived a two-week period alone, avoiding any social occassions possible, eating less than a meal daily, living on watching depressing dramas on the DVD, putting any responsibility and commitment aside as if I was a ten-year-old, stopping to feel because I could not afford the energy.
If you asked whether I’m OK, I would put on the most brilliant smile and tell you I am fine, everyday is Fourth of July and every minute is a blessing. Call me sunshine. That is, if you asked.
Simply because I can. Not because I was doing better than anybody. Read the defiance in my eyes? It comes with me and runs in my blood, take the whole package or leave it.
Simply becuase underneath the still water, transition is inevitably mounting. And don’t even deny the changes, we’ve all got eyes sharp enough to spot the odd differences of the picture. The party is over, bang!
There is nothing noble about pretending. Byebye Sunshine ; Hello Rage.
Now, if you would excuse me, I have to go puke and it feels good.
