21:15 飞机再次扑落在一片繁华霓虹中
21:40 将行李与残留的软弱一起推出 汇入表情麻木的的士等候队伍
21:45 打通妈妈手机 她说爸很累 已经睡了 她在客厅读我买的杂志
21:59 咽下最后一口感伤 深呼吸 背上手上心里的重量一并甩到的士后座
22:22 70年历史的楼梯一路走到顶 寂寥沿墨青的石扶手徐徐盘绕
落寞的味道在明亮的灯光下淡淡晕开
22:24 家门口 一串几日未用的钥匙顿显陌生 一根根摩挲过去
终于确定了哪根通往第一道门
22:25 与隔壁邻居相通的露台骤尔空荡 他们果真是搬走了
所养的鬼精灵白兔自然也无迹可寻
22:26 将最后一道门关在身后 空气中的味道竟是清朗的 心却仍有戚戚
22:27 钦开屋内的灯 窗外仍旧是后面大楼连夜赶工装修的喧杂
没有准备地走进房间 扑面而来的空气似经过稀释
闻的到的简单成分 吸的进的轻盈
22:30 点上蜡烛 解开行囊 将脏衣服丢入洗衣机 打开电视
顿觉回应N的短信”为何老革命还是软弱”已是多余
原来 就绪并没想象中的难
坚强与懦弱也并非只能得其一
一次次重来 许是因为不放弃感受的权利
PART 1
It’s been 9 months since I last recorded my humble insignificant life on here. Where have I been and what have I been up to? Well, I can’t exactly say much has changed, except for the following :
a) finally farewelling a haven of 3 years;
b)moving to somewhere that is vaguely remembered as the land yearned for when I was young and full of dreams( I mean Y.O.U.N.G.!);
c) turning 24((none the wiser, of course);
d) vocabulary of English gradually diminishing (as you can tell when you read on);
e) inability to stay excited and an unstoppable tendency of yawning once the clock strikes twelve midnight;
f) cutting my hair short -thanks to Ringo, my new hair dresser( I could easily fall in love with him if he wasn’t that metrosexual- so metrosexual that he was able to detect the newly-developed outbreak of acne on my face once summer kicked in);
g) acne, one thing that I had to worry little in my life, managing to creep onto my face throughout summer and showing no sign of withdrawl yet (damn, shall i read it as an alarming sign of ageing and thus disintegration of the body’s self-repaire system?)
(to be continued, gotta go to bed, see what I meant by ageing?)
PART 2 (17/09/06)
Six months have flashed through and here i am, comfortably settled at Citizen Cafe, a hideaway from the city’s signature madness, rowdiness and noise. Even though there is a pressing deadline that drives me, I decided I am taking some time to finish this post up. The lighting is soft and dim inside the cafe, the jazz played is smooth and melancholy, customers have started to withdraw and nothing else in this town quite resembles such a scene, one that used to be easily-attainable and occasionally taken for granted.
It indeed takes more than courage to acknowledge the fact that everything is back to square one. To start with, loneliness has conquered this drifting soul time and again. some might laugh their heads off at this as they picutre me move through fairs, rub shoulders with beautiful people and take on a completely dazzling life. When the over-glorified nights are washed away by the ruthless daylight, only the impotent traffic lights bother to catch a glimpse of the draining soul and exchange a faint smile.
PART 3 (03/10/06)
Caught up with a very endeared friend beofre he flies out of town tomorrow. Maybe it’s going to be a few years when we actually get to meet again. Couldn’t endure any stupid thoughts taking chances and decided to end the latenight catchup very quickly- what was left to say? The past is gone and the flames are out. Wish him all the best.
PART 4 (05/10/06)
I wonder whether I use the word ’settled’ too loosely when it comes to commenting on my latest transit. If I am to be honest, the state I’m in is anything but ’settled’, neither here (home) nor there(my new land). This afternoon, after an aimless stroll around the old town that I grew up in, I decided to take advice from great ancient thinkers who preached ‘I think, therefore I am’. Accompanied by an almost-decent latte and some unstoppable tears fountaining out at certain points, I combed through fragments of mounting anxiety. As I dug deeper into the pile of tiny pieces at the back of my mind, I realised I almost forgot how painful it is to think. No wonder people start to appreciate numbness more than contemplation. The conclusion was positively negative:
I am L.O.S.T. I don’t know where I am. (To the bloody literal-minded ones, please read this metaphorically). Therefore I am not happy.
The five core elements that constitute my happiness or sense of belonging are: family, friends, reliance/heterosexual love, career, peace. For now, I am scoring a f***ing historic low. It seems now appraches to happiness do not always grow in accordance with the increase of one’s travels. I very much regret my once self-important remark to SDS which claimed people at our age had pretty much experienced most feelings existed and what was left was simply repetition. That was complete bollocks - I am very much lost and I wish there was someone I could lean on and borrow some love, care and wisdom from. And I wouldn’t say I had felt it so strongly before!
I am lost at 24 and I reckon I will end up relying on myself to walk out of this sickening fog, as usual. Though it would be more than nice to have someone by my side for a change .
For the first time, I objected Martyn Mr.Good’s statements aggressively. It all started with Zhang Ziyi Miss I-Am-The Godess. Poor Martyn, he actually thought she’s pretty! Unfortunately she’s on top of my “Boo” list, for her pretentious manners and questionable path to fame.
But, the conflicts of our points don;t end here. Mr Martyn further sang his praises for Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon. Wrong agian, man. It’s just another martial art film , with gimmicky techniques and refined settings-safely exotic, of course, to grab you naive foreigner’s eyeballs and meanwhile steal your orientalist sentiments. Hmm they did it quite well, eh?
Where A’s the ordinary becomes B’s novelty, it is Cultural Diffenrence the Bitch’s carnival. Call me cynical or negative, but the annoyance and anxiety outweigh the excitement of discovery. Especially when it comes to well-established personal framework of black and white.
My very first blog post! Haven’t really got an idea how I want my Blog to be–personal/impersonal; regular/irregular; well-planned/unplanned? Totally clueless, as I’m always like. And, as uaual, I’ll see how it goes!
Tomorrow is one of the biggest Chinese festivals-Mid Autumn Day, aka. the Moon Festival, which is supposed to be the very day when family members gather together and appreciate the full moon (and of course,drowning in the commercialised deluge of mooncakes on the market) .
I can’t bother to be sentimental-just hope my folks and pals back home can have a relaxed holiday, and, if possible, spare sometime to miss me a bit! Oh yes, they will (the proof is I got several e-cards from friends-hmmm, feels warm).
As to my Mid Autumn night, most of it will be devoted to the last class of copywriting short course which has become a prime part of my mundane life. Tomorrow night I’ll proudly walk out of the classroom with a certificate in my hand, but what I can make out of it remains to be done.
It seems that I’ve got a handful of tools in my pocket. What am I short of? Courage and confidence to pick up the tools! “Grab your spoon”, Ms.!
